Where life takes you

I read the phrase, "Life is not a destination, it's a journey" (or something to that effect), and it's amazing just how true those words can be. For the past five years, I've essentially been unsatisfied and unfulfilled in the job that I used to see as a career. For the past year, I've wanted out in a bad way, but I get stuck in that rut known as a comfort trap and I sidetrack myself in not so good ways. For the past eight months, I've been made a job out of working on getting the heck out of here, a here that I used to love.

I've had several interviews at some very high profile institutions in the central Ohio area. It's something to say that I've interviewed with some of these organizations. But alas, nothing has come of any of it. It's so bad that I took off work for a mental health day a few weeks back and have called off sick on days that I would have toughed it out and just worked through it in the past. My resolve is no longer as strong as it used to be. I don't like that about myself, but it's partially a mental survival mechanism any more.

About a month ago, I had an interview that I felt went very well and had a good feeling about when I walked out the door. It's a non-profit that I've donated to in the past, so it was nice to get to know them a little better. However, that night I went home and thought, "Oh my God, this could be it, this could really happen, oh shit!" Yeah, the "it" being the job that delivered me out of my current round of monotony. Thus started the circle of thinking and deep thinking issues about everything in my life.

It's funny how the smallest moment or situation can make you think that introspectively, but that's exactly what happened to me. The kind of what the heck am I still doing here questions? All I could think about this potential job offer is, is this what I really want to be doing with the rest of my life, for the same amount of money at a different place, and the bottom of my heart, search my soul answer was a resounding "NO". That was a scarey and freeing conclusion to come to all in the same breath.

If what I trained and studied for in school and planned on as a career isn't where I want to be, then where do I want to be and how do I get there exactly? I sat up for six hours that night and knew for certain that I didn't want to go after this job or something similar to it. I'm ready for the big kind of different the kind of different that I swore I would never be looking at, but find myself longing for yesterday.